Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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