i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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