So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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