cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize