Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
