I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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