I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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