when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
