God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
even my farts smell like vagina
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize