Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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