just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
