So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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