He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
