Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
