I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
