God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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