I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
