Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
