I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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