Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
