I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
