My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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