I met the friendliest cop last night
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
