could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
