New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize