Having a random hookup so left but love u
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I cut my penus on the lid.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
