Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
