The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we're making bets on your personal life
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize