Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Let's get the cat blown out
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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