nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize