i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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