i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Randomize
