wrigley field is MILF paradise
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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