i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
