I skipped work to stalk him.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
