Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
