dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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