i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
