why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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