Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
