So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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