Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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