Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
