I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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