I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
