We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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