this just has baby written all over it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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