OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
