if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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