You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
