i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize