Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
