eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
