you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
