UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I am midnight drunk by noon
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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