naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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