i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
