He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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