I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
