I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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