You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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