i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
