My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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