oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
