Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
