I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
