soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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