I accidentally burped into my bong.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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