Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
