This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
