She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
