I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
