You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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