I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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